


Heartbeats

by Arok88



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: Songfic based on "Heartbeats" by José González
Relationships: Nick Carter/Kevin Richardson
Kudos: 4





	Heartbeats

The tears were streaming silently down his heated face. The rivers running from crystal blue eyes continued to fall as he squeezed his eyes shut furiously to keep the raging waters at bay. He bit his fist to keep the soundly sob from escaping his raw and aching throat. He took several deep breaths in hopes it would ease the tears but instead had the opposite effect and the extra air in his lungs only fueled the fire of anguish. He bit harder, oblivious to the pain, to keep from making any noise that would draw the attention of the others. The last thing he wanted was someone drawing back the curtains to his bunk and asking questions. 

The tears were coming faster now, cascading down his face and littering his hand and the pillowcase. He rolled further against the wall, snuggling the side of the bunk bed. Nothing he tried to do seemed to help the tears, or the aching feeling he felt all over, but especially deep in his middle.

How could he have been so stupid. He was sure he'd asked himself that same question fifty times in the last ten days. The only answer he could come up with was he was weak. Plain and simple. Drunk too. Let's not forget how incredibly wasted he started out the night as. Honestly they were both pretty drunk which was surprising in itself. He didn't think the older man ever got drunk. At least not in front of the others. He was convinced though that he had sobered up pretty quickly when it all started. Just not quick enough to keep from making a massive mistake. A miscalculation on what he would feel when it was over and how strong and stable he was, how his heart was. Stupid. 

If anyone had asked him two weeks ago how he felt or even brought up the subject he would have shut them down immediately. He wasn't prepared to talk about it, think about it out loud and give voice to all the things he had been thinking and feeling for so long. He just never expected they would come to that point. That crescendo of feelings that for him were the basis of his existence. For the other man though, it was becoming painfully clear that it was only a confusing night, one he was too drunk to possibly remember or very much too embarrassed to speak about. But again, that's what was promised right? 

\--

The night had started out much like the rest. There hadn’t been any pretense, any inkling that the night would have ended the way it had. They had put on a phenomenal show, they had all agreed on that. Meeting up in a huddle backstage, the energy from a successful show was pouring off of each of them. It was intoxicating, addicting. Not wanting the night to end, or the connection they had all finally been able to feel after so long of just feeling like chess pieces moving on a board, they had all decided to shower and change and then meet in Howie’s room to talk, have dinner and ultimately, drink. 

The drinking was never planned. Of course they always tried to keep alcohol consumption to a minimum in AJ’s presence, but Nick had managed to find Howie’s hidden bottle of whisky and before any of them knew it they were passing it around telling secrets and spilling confessions about embarrassing moments, and all other sorts of things that always managed to come out in good company. He’d started getting light-headed and knew he was quickly reaching his limit. He jumped from the floor, too quickly, and staggered backwards before falling against Kevin who was busy playing with his cell phone on the sofa. 

“Oohfh” the older man managed to choke out as the blond tumbled down on top of him. The room erupted in laughter and Nick sat stunned, not believing he’d been such a goof and had actually managed to fall into the other man’s lap. Kevin smiled good naturedly. He’d had a lot to drink too. It was the only reason he wasn’t beating Nick’s ass for being such a drunken klutz, the blonde thought to himself. 

“I think it’s time for Nicky to go back to his room.” Kevin said, chuckling gently. He managed to maneuver Nick onto the seat cushion beside him and then stood to stretch. The rest of the guys nodded their agreement and quickly set to work cleaning up the trash and clutter from their evening of debauchery. Kevin leaned down and took Nick by the elbow, helping the younger man to his feet.  
“I’ll help Kaos to his room and get him settled. You guys have a good night.” Kevin said ushering the drunk man towards the door, his hand still firmly on Nick’s upper arm to help steer him the right direction. When Nick was drunk he was like a giant teddy bear, a dead weight, unstable teddy bear that Kevin could barely get down the hallway and into his hotel room. 

“Do you have your room key?” Kevin asked, glancing over at the blonde.

Kevin sighed and tried not to laugh at the dumbstruck look on Nick’s face as he pawed at his pockets but not producing said room key. 

Nick gave Kevin a lazy, sheepish smile. “Nope”

Kevin turned the younger man around slowly, trying his best not to make the drunk too dizzy as he pulled him down the opposite way in the hallway towards his own room. Once they’d reached the door he leaned Nick’s taller frame against the wall while he dug around in his own pockets for his room key. Smiling victoriously when he found it, he quickly unlocked the door and dragged Nick inside before the other man could lose his balance again. 

Kicking the door shut behind him, Kevin led Nick towards the couch. Nick began heading in the direction Kevin was leading, but upon seeing the comfy hotel bed he veered off course, tripping over his two left feet and toppled face down into the quilted hotel comforter. He let out a groan and snuggled his face into the soft fabric, bringing his hands up underneath himself in a halfway hug position. The cool linen felt like heaven against his flushed face and he kept his eyes closed tightly and tried hard not to focus on how much the blanket smelt like the older man. Jesus they had barely been in this hotel for a day, not even overnight yet and already the blankets held that deep musky scent that was all Kevin. He groaned again but for a completely different reason this time. 

Kevin threw up his hands and shook his head. At least Nick was safe on the bed. He rubbed his tired eyes and stilled at once when he heard the quiet groan coming from the lump on the bed. He felt the hair on his arms stand up and felt himself slipping. He took a deep breath and quickly left the room and locked himself in the safety of the bathroom. 

Kevin splashed cool water on his face a few times and took several deep breaths. He had to get himself under control. He cursed himself, one for staying too long after Nick was three sheets to the wind and secondly, for not drinking more than he had. The others might have thought he had been drinking, but after the first glass he had made the silent switch to water, the red solo cups hiding the true contents of the drink Kevin had nursed for most of the evening. He’d had one drink to take the edge off, but he knew drinking anything more than that in the company of the younger man was just asking for trouble. Trouble Kevin now found himself in regardless of his alcohol consumption. He cursed again. How was he going to get through this evening trapped in the same room as the younger man? It wasn’t like he could go anywhere now that the boy had ended up in his room. 

Kevin uttered his own groan. This was not how he wanted to spend his evening. Maybe he could just go to sleep. The bed was no longer an option. It looked like he was going to be spending the night on the hard, unforgiving couch. Another deep breath. He could do this. It was one night, they wouldn’t even be anywhere near each other and in the morning he could make Nick go down to the front desk and get a new keycard. This was doable. 

He chanted this over and over as his hands gripped the sides of the sink. He couldn’t believe that the night had ended this way, couldn’t believe he had the blonde right out there, in his bed. He shook his head. Nick wasn’t in his bed. Nick was passed out drunk and had no idea where he even was, let alone that his very presence was making the older man harder than he’d been in a long time, just from being near him. This was going to be a long night. 

-

Kevin walked out of the bathroom somewhat more calm and ready to crash on the couch. He stopped short when he saw the younger man sitting straight up on the bed peering up at him questionably. “You feeling okay Kev? You were in there a long time.” Nick said gently, his voice full of concern.

Kevin’s heart quickened, trying to quickly come up with an explanation for his prolonged trip to the bathroom. “Yeah, Nicky, I’m fine, just tired and moving a little slower tonight.” Kevin said, smiling weakly. 

Nick stared at him for several seconds, not believing him for a moment but not sure how to get the older man to talk to him. He finally nodded and stood up. “Gotta take a leak,” he said brushing against Kevin as he stepped around him to get inside the bathroom. 

Kevin’s eyelids slammed closed and as soon as he heard the click of the door lock he started to breathe again. He had to get himself under control. He took several more deep breaths and quickly made his way into the living area of the suite and flipped the lights off. Maybe if he pretended to be falling asleep by the time Nick was done in the bathroom the younger man would just leave him alone and go to sleep himself. 

Stretching his long legs out on the lumpy sofa, Kevin curled into the back of the couch and pulled the quilted throw down on top of him. If he laid perfectly still with his eyes shut, just maybe Nick would stumble back into the bed and they could all just get some sleep. Kevin tried to think of something, anything besides the blonde who was at this very moment, alone in the bathroom. And in a few moments he was going to be back in this room sharing the space, the air, that Kevin had to be in for the next several hours. He had no idea how he was going to calm the beating of his heart and the ache in his jeans. He hadn’t even bothered changing into pajamas, they would just get him in more trouble than he was already in. 

His breathing stilled as he heard the door open and the light from the bathroom spill out into the room. He squeezed his eyes closed tighter and laid as still as humanly possible. He could hear Nick moving around and coming closer to the couch. He could smell him, booze and the smell that was all Nick. He didn’t breath. After what felt like eternity, he heard Nick finally walk away from the living room area of the suite and heard the springs from the mattress as he must have flopped down into the hotel room bed. Kevin took a long deep breath. As long as he could fall asleep, he would be in the home stretch. 

-

Nick tossed and turned on the hotel bed. His dress pants were very uncomfortable and since he was stuck in Kevin's room he didn't have any other clothes to change into. Sure he could strip to his boxers but then that just seemed like a nightmare waiting to happen, much worse than being uncomfortable all night. He was still tipsy, not drunk anymore and his head was starting to pound. 

He scrunched the pillow up under his head and glanced toward the couch again. He felt like an ass that Kevin once again had to take care of poor little Nicky who couldn't watch his drinking or better fucking yet, remember his damn key card. He sighed, there was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, not with Kevin less than five feet away. If he stilled his own breathing he could just barely hear the older man breathe over the pounding in his chest. He could swear the pounding of his heart was so loud it ricocheted off the walls in the small room. He was surprised Kevin wasn't in here asking what he was banging around. Maybe it was internal, maybe Nick was the only one who could hear his heart beating so loudly. It had picked up speed when he'd walked past the other man on the way to the bathroom. Just being that close to him did it. Made Nick feel like he was tumbling off the side of a cliff. Dramatic sure, but that's what happened anytime he got anywhere close to the other man. Hence the drinking, there was no way he was going to make it staying in Howie's room for their bonding session without at least a good buzz to drown out the beating of his heart. 

It had not always been this way. Sure Nick had to think really hard about a time when he didn't want the other man, didn't dream of, long for, craved his touch, time and attention. The want for acceptance and understanding had been there from the beginning. Growing up on a tour bus and hotel rooms left little time for friends, girlfriends, first loves and crushes. All the things that everyone should experience so they can help shape and mold you into the person you're meant to become. 

Nick didn't get any of that. All Nick had was horrible, money grubbing parents, management who only saw dollar signs, and the guys. So it was understandable, at least in Nick's mind that he would grow so close to them that the lines would get blurred. He tried not to read too much into it or let it consume him. He always believed what he felt for the other man was fleeting and in the grand scheme of things wouldn't matter much as he grew and matured. In theory it was a perfect explanation to help him understand his thoughts and feelings and come to terms with his sexuality. 

What he never expected was that the feelings that had appeared so hard and fast when he was sixteen years old would not go away, but in fact grow deeper. They grew like tree roots wrapping around the base of Nick's existence until he couldn't do anything without questioning what Kevin's opinion would be. Would he ever be proud of the younger man, disappointed in one choice he made over another? No one person, man or woman, could ever hold his focus for more than one evening before his thoughts were once again on the raven haired man that had always been there. 

One night in Vegas Nick woke from a start after another one night stand and couldn't remember where he was or how he got there. The only thing he could think of was how disappointed Kevin would be if he knew where Nick was at that exact moment. It shouldn't have mattered, Nick was out living his life, he was 22, an adult by most people's standards. It was in that moment, in some unknown girl's apartment that Nick realized the truth he'd been trying to deny himself for years. This was no longer a crush, some small infatuation. This was something much bigger, more intense, and Nick was in fucking trouble. 

He spent years after his revolution trying to get over Kevin. He kept trying to convince himself that if he just learned to deal, to push the feelings he had down, that eventually they would just go away and he would be free to move on and try to start a life with someone who actually wanted him. It worked for a couple of years, enough to help get him through another world tour until he could be by himself again. He crafted a plan to keep himself safe, his heart safe. 

He had decided to do whatever it took to stay far away from the other man. Not interacting with him more than necessary to keep up the functions of the group and never being alone with him. It worked for a while until Brian told Nick that Kevin had felt like he had done something horribly wrong to have the younger man basically cut him out of his life, and so he had back tracked the plan. The only thing worse than him hurting was causing the older man pain. He would do anything to prevent that. So he went back to normal around him, but still tried to do everything in his power to protect his heart. Some days it worked great. And then there were nights like this where he’d ended up in the worst possible situation with no way out of it. 

He tried closing his eyes. He could only lay there for three or four minutes until he felt his body growing restless and he shifted on the mattress trying a different position. Every time he moved the springs in the mattress let out a squall. Nick moved one last time before he heard the other man's voice from the other room. His Kentucky drawl so pronounced that Nick could barely make out the words he was saying. 

"Stop fucking moving and go to sleep Nick." 

Nick flinched and let out a muffled “Sorry” as he buried his face into the pillow to keep from making a sound. He couldn’t believe that he’d managed to piss the other man off again. It seemed like it was all he was good for most days, to be an annoyance to those around him. No wonder he was alone. He tried hard to keep the tears from falling, he did not need this on top of everything else.

-

Kevin was frustrated. Beyond frustrated, in several different ways. Every time he was almost out, Nick would shift or bounce or whatever the fuck he was doing in there to make the bed make that awful squeaking sound and Kevin would find himself wide awake again and starting the whole process of falling asleep over again. He didn’t mean to yell, he hated losing his temper at the younger man but between the thoughts in his head, the pounding of his heart and the ache he felt all over by having the younger man this close was making him absolutely insane. He heard Nick’s muffled reply and sighed heavily. He knew he had hurt his feelings, knew if he didn’t go in and apologize there would be no chance to sleep for either of them this evening. Nick had always been like that, ever since the day Kevin had laid his eyes on the gorgeous boy. If Nick got his feelings hurt, he would retreat into himself until the offending party made up with him and made everything better. Kevin hated being on this end of the equation. Hated knowing he was the one to put the frown on those pouty lips. 

He resigned himself to his fate and sat up, swinging his legs off the side of the couch and standing. He stretched and turned towards the bedroom, his breath catching at the sight before him. Nick was face down on the bed, curled into the smallest ball Kevin had ever imagined a person being, let alone someone over six feet tall. He suddenly felt six inches tall for snapping at the other man, desire and pain be damned, he didn’t want to hurt him. He tentatively moved towards the bed. As he grew closer he could see the slight shaking of Nick’s shoulders. Shit. This was worse than Kevin had originally thought. The other man was crying because Kevin couldn’t get his emotions under control and then proceeded to take them out on someone else. 

Kevin sat down on the edge of the bed and placed his hand gently on Nick’s shoulder. He felt the other man come apart under his touch. Kevin wasted no time pushing Nick’s side to roll him over. Catching him off guard, Nick rolled gently to the left, just enough so Kevin had space to lay on the bed and pull the younger man into his arms. Instantly Nick’s arms wrapped around Kevin’s waist and his head was buried in his chest. The tears came quicker now and Kevin did everything he could to soothe him. He ran his hands up and down Nick’s back rubbing small circles through his t-shirt before continuing up or down. They laid like that tangled together for several minutes until Nick’s tears eased and he quieted, curled up into Kevin’s chest. 

Kevin sighed and hugged the younger man closer. He couldn’t believe he’d been such an ass. He kissed the top of Nick’s head gently and whispered a soft, “Sorry Nicky.” into the silky blonde hair. Nick breathed in where he lay curled against the older man.

”It’s okay Kev. I’m sorry I’m such a baby and got so upset. I’m sorry I kept waking you up. I’m a worthless pain in the ass and I’m sorry.”

The words hung in the air. Kevin wasn’t even sure how to respond. A pain in the ass? Is that really how Nick saw himself? A goof, sure, but he was far from a pain in the ass. He couldn’t even begin to fathom the worthless comment. Kevin scooted back, still cradling Nick against him, but pulling them into a sitting position. He pulled back and looked down into the cloudy blue eyes that were silently spilling tears down that beautiful flushed face that haunted Kevin every night. He swallowed hard before he spoke. 

“How could you ever, ever think you are anything less than extraordinary?” Kevin asked, his voice catching slightly. 

Nick’s eyes widened before more tears rushed forward. He buried his face against Kevin’s neck and cried. Kevin’s arms tightened around him and he rocked them both slowly side to side. Kevin could feel the tears soaking his shirt, but also what was worse, he could feel the hot breath of the younger man against the sensitive skin of his neck. He willed his body to cooperate and not to make this any harder than it already was. After several moments Kevin was convinced the world was out to get him as his body responded to the weight, scent and feel of the younger man pressed so closely against him. He bit his lip and tired, so hard, but it was impossible. He felt himself growing harder by the second and could only hope Nick didn’t shift a little too far to the right. 

Nick’s tears eased once again and soft hiccups took their place. He snuggled his face closer to the exposed skin of Kevin’s neck. He couldn’t remember the last time Kevin had held him like this. It had to be years at this point. He wasn’t going to let the moment go to waste, there was no telling when, if, it would ever happen again. He was desperate for any attention the older man would grant him.

He breathed in the scent of the other man, a woody, musky scent he had loved for years. He never could pinpoint exactly where it came from. Nick had purchased all the same hygiene products Kevin used once in an act of complete desperation but was never able to recreate the smell that was distinctly Kevin. He pushed closer wrapping his arms tighter around Kevin’s waist. He was still a little tipsy, not much, but enough that if he leaned in just a little closer and tasted that deliciously soft part of Kevin’s neck, that he could play it off as an accident.

Once the thought was in his head it was almost impossible to ignore. He shifted a little closer, trying not to be obvious. Kevin was quiet, a quick glance up through his eyelashes told Nick that Kevin’s eyes were closed tightly. He wondered briefly if the other man had fallen asleep. They were both exhausted, maybe he really could get away with this. Shifting his upper body slightly Nick brushed his lips against the side of Kevin’s neck. 

One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth

Kevin jerked away suddenly and stared down at the blonde. Had Nick just kissed his neck? Looking into the wide blue eyes of the younger man gave Kevin his answer. “What are you doing?” He asked almost in a whisper. 

Nick’s eyes grew even wider. ”Um. I..Shit. I’m sorry Kevin.” Nick said, dropping his head, unable to meet Kevin’s eyes. They sat in complete silence for a moment before Kevin spoke again. 

“Did you? I mean, I’m not sure what that was. Nick, did you kiss my neck?” Kevin asked bewildered. 

Nick refused to look at him and simply nodded. There was no way he was going to get out of this one. He had no idea what he’d been thinking. How could he have ever thought he would be able to get away with this? He really was a goddamn idiot. He blinked back tears. He could not cry again, not after this, after he’d pushed too far and now probably ruined the friendship that meant more to him than anything. All because he couldn’t control his damn hormones. 

Kevin looked at the younger man dumbfounded. He really had kissed him. But why? What was he trying to accomplish? Was it possible the younger man felt something, anything at all for him too? He shook his head. There was no way in the world that Nick fucking Carter could ever want him that way too. “What’s going on Nicky?” Kevin asked gently. He brushed his fingertips across Nick’s cheek and lifted his face gently by his chin. He felt Nick tremble beneath his touch. 

“I’m sorry Kevin. Please don’t let this fuck everything up. I promise I won’t let it happen again.” Nick said desperately, finally raising his eyes to meet the icy green one’s staring back at him.

Kevin looked at the other man for several moments. His mind made up, he shifted on the bed until they were face to face. He tucked his legs under himself and leaned up on his knees. He took the younger man’s face into his hands, and throwing absolute caution to the wind, he leaned down and took Nick’s mouth with his own. 

They fell against each other like two drowning victims needing air. Nick wrapped his arms tightly around Kevin’s neck and pulled him closer. He melted against the older man as Kevin moved his lips expertly against his in the most intense, bruising kiss Nick had ever experienced. When they finally pulled away Nick’s face was flushed again and his heart was beating 100 miles a minute inside his chest. He gaped up at the older man shocked, aroused and more in love than he ever thought possible. They stared at each other for what felt like eternity before Kevin reached out and ran a finger down the side of Nick’s cheek. He felt like he would explode if Kevin didn’t kiss him again. Still Kevin didn’t make any other move, just continued to stare at him with clouded eyes that Nick couldn’t read if his life depended on it. And at this very moment in time, it felt like his whole world depended on what Kevin would do next. After several more seconds he got tired of waiting and leaned up and tentatively brushed his lips across Kevin’s. At first he didn’t respond, just continued as still as a statue, but then he seemed to come to life, opening his mouth up for Nick’s tongue to explore and wrapping his strong arms around Nick’s shoulders. Kevin pulled Nick against him and they toppled backwards against the hotel pillows, a mess of limps but never once breaking their kiss. They moved gently against each other until they were both on their sides before breaking apart. 

“What is this Nick?” Kevin asked his voice hoarse. He gazed at the younger man, his mind whirling.

Those kisses were the most intense kisses Kevin had ever experienced. He always knew if he ever had the chance to kiss, to taste the other man that it would be an earth shattering experience, but he wasn’t expecting this. 

“I have no idea Kev,” Nick said honestly. 

They laid side by side eyes locked. Kevin took several deep breaths to try to get his wits about him. It wasn’t working. All he could think about was if he shifted a little to the left, that he could be kissing the blonde again. So that’s exactly what he did. Their lips met for a third time, this kiss just as intense as the other two. Nick shifted on the bed, pulling Kevin as close as humanly possible. He threaded his fingers through Kevin’s jet black hair and thrust his tongue in and out of Kevin’s mouth rhythmically, both battling to take control. 

Suddenly they both had way too many clothes on. He pulled back and tentatively reached his hand down to the hem of Kevin’s shirt. He pulled it gently in an upwards, hoping Kevin would get the hint. Kevin looked down at Nick’s hand, so close to the most intimate parts of him and swallowed. 

“I’m not sure about this Nicky.” He started. “What if this messes everything up between us.”

Nick smiled and leaned in and kissed him again. “We won’t let it.”

Kevin kissed him back and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor. Nick took his lead and his shirt joined Kevin’s. He leaned in to kiss him again, but before he could Kevin placed a hand on his chest. “I think we need to agree that whatever happens here tonight, whatever this is, that it stays here. Tomorrow morning everything is fine between us.” Kevin said softly looking up into Nick’s eyes. “I couldn’t bear to lose our friendship, everything baby.” 

Nick had a sudden pain in his chest, but he pushed the feeling away. Whatever Kevin wanted, whatever it would take for this not to end, if only for tonight. Nick was ready and willing to risk it all. He just hoped it wouldn’t be too hard to walk away in the morning. He nodded and smiled his famous Carter smile. “Just tonight.” He whispered before he captured Kevin’s lips in another scorching kiss. 

We had a promise made  
Four hands and then away  
Both under influence  
We had divine scent  
To know what to say  
Mind is a razor blade

The night went by in a blur of kisses, caresses and tangled limbs. Nick awoke the next morning, sore, sated and happier than he could ever remember being. That was until he rolled over and found himself completely alone. Still naked, he sat up and drew the hotel sheet around his middle. The room was eerie quiet and he knew, without moving, that he was alone. The tears came suddenly, but he bit them back and quickly set about finding his clothes and getting dressed. He used the phone on the nightstand to call the front desk and ask for a replacement key to be brought upstairs to his room. He could not be here when Kevin came back. He was thankful they had the whole day off and could spend the rest of the day behind closed doors that did not include any of the other guys. He needed time to pull himself together. He had to get out of here. 

He quickly got the rest of his things and stepped outside the room. He momentarily froze as he heard the bing from the elevator and then sagged against the door in relief as he laid eyes on the hotel manager. At least he’d be able to steal himself away pretty quickly. 

She smiled at him gently and handed over the keycard. Nick thanked her and quickly made his way down the hallway. He breathed a sigh of relief once he was safely ensconced inside his hotel room. Locking the door behind him, he quickly reshed his clothes and stumbled his way into the bathroom. He really needed a hot shower and a nap. Maybe after both he would feel less like he was stumbling off the side of a cliff. 

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

It had been ten days, ten days since Kevin had let the hands of the devil come in and mess him up completely. Kevin didn’t much care for praying. It seemed pretty disingenuous when he barely believed in anything anymore. After losing his father, the hardest thing he’d ever lived through, he just couldn’t get behind the idea of a higher power that orchestrated all of these different events in a person’s life. In his mind, if there were a higher power, then there wouldn’t be so much suffering going on in the world. But still he prayed. He prayed that he hadn’t left the blonde, gorgeous man in his bed broken, he prayed for strength for his own heart, and most of all, he prayed he had made the right decision by demanding their actions end in the morning. 

At the time, caught up in the heady feeling of Nick’s body pressed against his, emotions and hormones flowing so freely, demanding it only be the one time seemed like the most logical thing to do to protect his heart. There was no way in the world that Nick could ever begin to feel for him what Kevin had felt for years. It wasn’t even fathomable. He was drunk and lonely and Kevin had been there. He knew he should have stopped it right when it started, but all it took was the gentlest press of their lips and Kevin was incapable of pulling away. 

One night of magic rush  
The start a simple touch  
One night to push and scream  
And then relief

It had been a perfect evening. Everything had been absolutely perfect. The way their bodies forged together, gentle and hard, perfectly aligned and in sync. It was as if they had been doing this for years and had long since perfected the art of making love to each other. It was a rush, of adrenaline, love and this insatiable desire that Kevin never wanted to be without. After having him, Kevin wasn’t sure how he would ever go back to how it was before. How could he be in the same room with the younger man after knowing how his body responded to Kevin’s touch. The sounds he made when Kevin touched him. The way his face contorted in pure bliss and happiness when he came. It was addicting and Kevin never wanted to go back to the way it was. But he also couldn’t allow Nick to break his heart and he was convinced that’s exactly what would have happened if they hadn’t laid down some ground rules. He just didn’t know how to go on from here. 

And you, you knew the hands of the devil  
And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth  
Sharing different heartbeats  
In one night

And for ten days he had struggled with this. When they had to be in the same room they stayed as far away from each other as possible. They weren’t outright hostile, but anyone who cared to pay attention could see there was clearly something going on. The good news was, everyone was so caught up in their own lives and drama there didn’t seem to be many prying eyes trying to figure out why the oldest and the youngest members of their quartet couldn’t stand to be anywhere near each other.

Every time Nick would leave the room when he entered, or would outright ignore him, the pang of grief Kevin felt was almost overwhelming. They went from one magical evening, where they connected so completely, so wonderfully, like they somehow went from two different people to two people sharing the same heartbeat. It seemed unfathomable to Kevin that if they could experience something so surreal as that, that they couldn’t even hold down a conversation about the weather. What Kevin had been most afraid of happening, losing Nick or getting hurt, seemed to be happening regardless of what they had originally wanted. If they were going to hurt anyway, then why did it have to just be one night? This thought kept Kevin away more nights than he cared to admit. 

We had a promise made  
We were in love

Day eleven started out much the same. Kevin woke up after a restless night on the tour bus and decided this would have to be the day he cornered Nick and made him talk. There was no way he could keep going on like this. His every waking thought was consumed with Nick. Admittedly, they had usually been thoughts of Nick several times a day for the last several years, but now, after knowing what it felt like to hold him, to kiss his rosy red mouth, it was too much. Kevin was making himself insane. He had to know what the younger man was thinking, feeling. If it wasn’t anything Nick was interested in then he would shut the door and he’d never bring it up again, but he had to try. For his own sanity, dear god he had to try. 

-

Nick hadn’t slept well in days. Couldn’t remember the last time he had fallen asleep and stayed that way instead of waking up, sweaty and alone with some of the worst feelings of his life. He was tired of feeling this way, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He tried to suppress the memories of that wonderful night, but they always popped up in the worst moments possible.

Like during an interview, when Kevin was speaking passionately about their new record and his eyes danced with mischief, trying to get the reporter engaged, but not wanting to reveal too much. It reminded Nick of the sparkle Kevin’s eyes got right before he kissed him. It made it hard to breath and made him hard, right there in the middle of the room with the rest of the guys and several workers milling around. It was hard to tear his eyes away when all he could think about was touching the older man. At one point he was sure he let out a groan because AJ’s head whipped around and stared him down something awful. Nick tried to cough, pretend to be sick, but AJ always seemed to figure these sorts of things out. He wiggled his eyebrows at the other man and Nick knew he was going to have to be more careful. He tried to behave for the rest of the interview, pushing naked thoughts of Kevin far from his mind. 

He also tried his damndest to stay as far away from the other man as humanly possible. Nick didn’t trust himself at all. He wasn’t sure if he would try to jump the older man or burst into tears from loneliness. It was safer for everyone if he just kept his distance.

Which is why he was so confused when he arrived at the studio and found it completely empty. He checked his watch and confirmed it was indeed right at three, when they had all agreed to meet. He wondered briefly if they had changed the time and no one told him as some kind of joke. He stopped when he heard the faint cords of a song he didn’t recognize. He followed the sound down the hallway and stopped short when he entered the mixing booth.

There sat Kevin, staring intently at the mixing board and scribbling in a notebook. Nick stood in the doorway, unmoving and watched him intently. Kevin continued to write and fiddle with the sliders, his slender fingers moving them up and down, adjusting the bass and pitch. Nick remembered what it was like to have those same fingers run softly through his hair, gripping his hips as Kevin thrust into him. He let out a soft moan.

Kevin’s head shot up and whirled around to see Nick standing there. Nick felt the heat spread to his cheeks. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself this moment of fantasy and then gotten caught. He coughed slightly and blushed hotter. “Uh, hi.” he said softly, the most he’d spoken to the older man in days. 

“Hi Nicky,” Kevin said, cocking his head to one side to peer at the other man. 

Nick chose to ignore his embarrassment, praying Kevin would as well. “Where is everyone else?”

"They aren't coming." Kevin said turning around and facing the control table again so he wouldn't have to look at the younger man. He needed a few more minutes to get his feelings under control before he spoke. 

Nick, sensing he should remain silent pushed himself off the doorframe and collapsed into the couch in the booth. He wrung his hands together several times in silence, waiting to find out why he was still here. He watched as Kevin continued to fiddle with the controls. After several minutes, Kevin finally pushed a button that forced music through the booths speakers. Nick was instantly enveloped by the deep sensual voice of the other man. He tried to listen intently, feeling a sense of urgency in the moment. He closed his eyes and allowed the soft sounds of the piano wash over him bringing with it the voice of the man who continued to haunt his dreams.  
As the song ended, he was startled to feel Kevin's hand brush his knees and take one of his hands. He opened his eyes slowly and blinked back the tears that had collected during the haunting track. Nick peered up at the older man and was surprised to see tears pooling in his emerald green eyes as well. 

"Wh.. What's going on Kevin?" he managed to choke out, his eyes never leaving Kevin's face. 

Kevin blinked back the tears a few times before opening his mouth. "A long time ago, God Nicky, it's been so many years I can't even tell you when it started . But a long time ago, I looked up and the tall gangly kid that I once considered to be my little brother had grown up into this gorgeous, amazing man. A man I found very hard to be around and to get close to because all I could do was hold on tight as I continued to fall further and further in love with him. " Kevin stopped to catch his breath and smiled weakly at the sharp intake of breath from the man in front of him. He looked down at their joined hands, no longer able to look him in the eyes. He ran his thumb, rhythmically, back and forth across the back of Nick's hand several times before he continued. 

"I knew there was no way you could ever feel the same way about me and I was okay with that for the longest time. I pushed those feelings down and did my best to be the best friend, brother and confidant I could be for you because having you in my life in any capacity was worth any amount of pain I felt from not having you the way I truly wanted you, but then you kissed me. And it broke every bit of resolve I had to keep my hands off of you and to keep my feelings to myself. Suddenly they were too big for me alone, I had to kiss you, taste you, but I couldn't bare the risk of you breaking my heart when we woke up the next morning and you realized what you had done because you were drunk. I couldn't stand to see the look of disappointment on your face or worse yet you tell me it was all a mistake. So instead I made you promise it would only be for the night and we would never talk about it again. But I have to break that promise. I'm miserable, if your avoidance of me is any indication then you are miserable too. So we just need to get this all out in the open so we can move on and have some semblance of friendship back. " Kevin finished his speech and with his free hand, wiped away the tears that were falling down his cheeks. 

"What if I don't want to?" Nick choked out, his voice catching in his throat. 

Kevin shifted his gaze upwards to catch the younger man's eye. Tears were stressing from the beautiful crystal orbs. Kevin was almost afraid to ask, but knew he had to. "What do you mean, baby?" 

"I mean." Nick said clearing his throat and squeezing Kevin's interlaced hand gently, "I mean that I have been in love with you since I was fourteen years old Kev. The other night was something I have only ever dreamed about. Never even allowed myself to imagine that something so perfect, so wonderful could ever happen to me. And then you did and you were everything I've been waiting my whole life for. Waking up alone, knowing I'd lied when I made the promise to you was the worst feeling in the world. But I did it because I was convinced I'd never have another shot with you again and I would be dammed if I let the chance to be with you, if only for one night, slip though my fingers."

Kevin smiled at him gently, so full of love and disbelief. " You love me? " he asked barely getting the words out before the tears resumed. 

Nick nodded, his own tears getting in the way. "More than anything. All I have ever wanted is you."

Nick breathed a sigh of relief the moment he felt Kevin's lips touch his again. Pulling the older man as close as he could in their position on the couch he opened his mouth to allow Kevin in deeper. He could feel Kevin's heart beating a mile a minute underneath his fingertips and knew that if Kevin reached up and laid his hand over Nick's own heart he could feel how rhythmically it beat for Kevin as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> Check out more stories at Wistful Memories!
> 
> https://wistfulmemories.weebly.com


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